“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
You Might Also Like
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*