seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake