Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada