Only a mother’s love …
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
how do y’all walk in shallow water