Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.