I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
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The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
no regrets
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
They also CAN sing✌️
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter