Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.