I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Finally! 😈
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Flowers bee like
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms