my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
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It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I didn’t realize that was an option
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen