Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Yup.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something