What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
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Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter