Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.