oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
You Might Also Like
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: