when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.