me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
So true for me
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter