A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
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If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that鈥檚 not how Clue works
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it鈥檚 like you鈥檙e not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you鈥檙e talking about
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
A wise man once said nothing.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 馃槧
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
There鈥檚 no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it鈥檚 like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.