I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
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Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.