“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.