Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth