My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
You Might Also Like
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.