[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain