*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
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Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
“you recording!?”
I don’t make the rules sorry
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.