[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
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Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.