Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Stop sending me this shit.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Education is vital
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.