My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My kitchen overserved me.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.