Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!