KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Sharon, call the vet
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.