Whisper out to librarians!
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Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.