[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
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Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*