They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
You Might Also Like
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it