coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
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I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
X-tra spooky blend
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.