WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?