[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
You Might Also Like
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Sticker placement is key.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Match dot com, but for socks.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what