[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
You Might Also Like
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Proctology is located in A55
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
#TopTip
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol