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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
so much to do
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Hotels are back
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”