First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what