Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
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one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.