At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Print is alive and well!!!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
(2022)
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.