Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”