Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry