*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.