Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please