don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
When they try to steal your moment.