13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day