When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.