The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.