barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“i miss shittin on people”
fr
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.