Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
me after eating Cheetos
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
How to wake up a Beagle
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*