Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
You Might Also Like
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Meme Monday.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
This is enough internet for the day.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The first one, obviously
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]