MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
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My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
#CatsOnTwitter
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Hello Twits.